


apocalypse

by liliagrce



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: DreamNotFound Week | DNF Week, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-27 15:42:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30125088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liliagrce/pseuds/liliagrce
Summary: georgenotfound x reader
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoy this :) it actually means a lot to me i put a lot into this.

i knew what day it was the minute i woke up. before i even opened my eyes, the dread for what was in store hit me like a truck. it kinda felt like i’d been hit by a truck too. a gut wrenching pain that i had grown accustomed to for a period of time but had gradually faded to a dull ache. i’d expected it, honestly. but it was still almost unbearable. i felt a tear slip down my cheek before i’d even built up the courage to open my eyes. slamming my face into my pillow in annoyance, i groaned to myself. no. i could do this. i’d be okay. i had to be. tearing my eyes open, i glanced at my alarm clock. 12:16 pm. fuck. i’d been tossing and turning all night, trying with all i had to force my brain into some kind of unconscious lull. to my avail. when i finally drifted off at three or four i had the most lucid dreams i’ve had since It happened. i’d actually woken up with a start in the middle of the night to find myself sweating profusely, my sheets damp and humid with sweat and my face stained with warm tears. i slept fine after that. blissfully unaware in my unconscious state. oblivious. now, i dragged my sheets off of myself and, with a sigh, stepped out of bed.

i stumbled into the bathroom, vision still blurred with fatigue. i stood on my tiptoes to reach the light switch string that my brother had yanked on too hard one time, causing it to come apart in two halves. the half that was still attached to the ceiling was slightly out of reach. the fan hummed to life, the noise a welcome distraction over the thoughts that had already started shooting through my brain at a hundred miles per second. i turned the shower on, letting it heat up before standing in front of the mirror. it sounds cliché but i mean it when i say i hardly recognised the reflection in front of me. i was pale, but not in a porcelainly beautiful way. in an ashy grey type of way. like a printer that had run out of coloured ink, forced to print in only black and white and misery. sighing to myself, i pulled my hair out of the half assed bun i’d shoved it up in before i went to bed. i yanked too hard and the sharp pain made my eyes prick with tears. i swallowed thickly, forcing the emotion to the bottom of my chest. glancing back up at my reflection, i couldn’t help but glare at myself. what the fuck was i doing standing here feeling sorry for myself? i tore my eyes away from my sorrowful reflection and began to undress, folding up my pyjamas and placing them on the hot towel rack. then, after pulling open the shower doors, i stepped under the scalding water. 

at first i couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the blinding white heat of the shower but i knew the feelings would come. and they did. all at once, conveniently. i felt as if an invisible force had slammed into my chest and felt myself falling to the floor of the shower. bringing my knees up to my chest to protect myself from the pain. it hurt so bad. so fucking bad. i wanted it to stop more than anything. i wanted to scream. i just wanted everything to stop. the pain, the memories flashing through my skull as if their only purpose was to scar. the heat rose all around me, stifling every half breath. every cry i choked out mixed with the steam and was quashed before it could reach the ceiling vent. my tears were lost in the scorching water running down my face. and i couldn’t help but question, once again, what the fuck i was doing. i had no right to be sitting here crying to myself at a time like this. weak. pathetic. dragging an arm roughly over my face, i stood up and turned off the shower, watching the remaining water swirl down the drain along with every last bit of self pity. 

i was fully dressed by the time i made it downstairs. as expected my mum was in the kitchen, busying herself with something or other. she looked up as she heard me approaching, wrapping her arms around herself and giving me a small smile. that smile was practically drenched in pity. not what i needed today.

“hi, honey.” that stupid smile was still embedded on her face. 

“hey mum.” i nodded, opening the fridge and silently praying to myself that she wouldn’t take this any further. i grabbed a jug of orange juice and closed the fridge behind me before walking across the kitchen to get a glass from the dishwasher. slamming the glass on the counter, i saw my mum flinch slightly in my peripheral vision. i mentally kicked myself for feeling like this and kicked myself a second time for taking it out on my mum. i looked across to where she stood, still smiling, although her eyes betrayed her act with their glint of sadness. i smiled back, begrudgingly. what the fuck was my problem? 

her smile seemed to widen. “you want to sit down?”

~

“you want to sit down a second?” the beautiful boy with the wide smile was still holding me by the elbows, his eyebrows raised in amusement. did i want to sit down? the room was spinning so maybe that wasn’t a bad idea. i opened my mouth to speak as another wave of nausea hit me, making my stomach lurch. fucking vodka. i settled for a nod and a smile that i hoped didn’t make me look like an escaped mental patient. the boy, keeping one hand firmly on my elbow, reached an arm down to my waste and started to guide me across the floor to a chair. the area of my waist where his hand was pressed was beginning to tingle slightly. i looked up at him, studying his features closely. he had probably the most beautiful eyes i’d ever seen. dark brown, like his hair. and god that smile was heart wrenching. i wasn’t sure which feature was the culprit for the way my heart was racing in my chest and my face beginning to burn. probably a combination. but right now i just wished i wasn’t drunk when i was in the arms of the most angelic looking male i’d ever been in the presence of. i suddenly had a moment of realisation.

“where’s cl- where’s clay?” i slurred gripping the angel by a chunk of his, wow very soft, shirt. he looked down at me, his expression growing even more amused and let out the most heavenly laugh i’d ever heard. i wanted to reverse time over and over so i could go back and hear that laugh again and again. “he’s just gone to call you a cab don’t worry. he’ll be back soon.” he reassured, still smiling that heart stopping smile of his. we’d reached the chair by this point and he lowered me into it, carefully. but he removed his hands off of my waist and elbow and i heard myself whimper at the loss of contact. shit. he raised an eyebrow, still looking amused. and adorable. “you good?” he smiled down at me. “please don’t go anywhere.” i groaned. my head was starting to pound alarmingly. i laid my head on my arms and shut my eyes, trying to block out the entirely too bright lights that were screaming down at me. i heard someone shift beside me and then felt someone take my hand. i lifted my head to see the pretty man knelt beside me, his hand in mine, before the pounding in my head picked up pace and i laid my head back on my forearm with a sigh. after a while, i heard a familiar voice coming from behind me. “i tried to get a cab out but there won’t be one for a couple hours at this time.” clay said, running a hand over my hair. i grunted and shifted my face further into my arms. “it’s okay, i can drive her.” that was the pretty boys voice. holy shit. “alright then, thanks george.” came clay’s response. i smiled to myself. george. so the angel had a name.

~  
“no mum. i’m fine.” i responded, taking a sip of orange juice while standing. 

“that’s okay.” she smiled back at me.

the silence was stifling.

“so, what are your plans for today?” my mum broke the silence after a cough.

“just seeing clay.” i responded drily before moving to put my now empty glass in the sink. 

“okay well have fun.” she smiled hopefully at me.

“whatever, mum. i’m late.” i mumbled.

i left the kitchen as quickly as i i could, not looking to engage in any further conversation with my mum. not today. i grabbed a jacket off the hook and checked my keys were in the pocket. they were. tapping out a message to clay, i stepped out of the front door and into the cold, blundering wind. letting the door slam shut behind me.

~  
stepping into the car, i let the door slam shut behind me. i flinched at the noise and scrunched up my nose, knowing what was coming.  
“idiot.” george complained, feigning annoyance from the driver’s seat. i giggled, swatting him with my sweater paw and strapping myself in with the seatbelt. he smiled back and i took a second to just gaze at him in awe. damn that smile still did things to me, even after all this time. “morning baby.” he murmured, reaching across to move a strand of hair out of my face. my stomach turned cartwheels at his words and i found myself wondering, not for the first time, when i was going to get used to the fact i was dating this angel on earth. “hi.” i giggled, biting my lip. my stomach had turned to jelloid and i knew i had to be blushing. he just had that effect on me. i leaned back in my seat as george started up the engine and pulled out of my driveway.  
“hey, remember the first time you were in my car?” he smirked, making eye contact with me in the rear view mirror. i rolled my eyes and groaned, pushing myself further into my jumper. “you know i don’t, idiot.” i mumbled into the wool.  
“well i do.” i could hear the triumphant grin in his voice, even if i couldn’t see it because my eyes were screwed shut in protest. “no,” i whimpered, pulling my hands up to block my ears with my sleeves and humming loudly. george snickered, i just narrowed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him in the mirror. he held eye contact, the smirk never leaving his face. i reproachfully took my hands off of my ears and turned to look at him. even concentrating on the road he was breathtaking. “george. if you care about me at all, you will not make me relive the trauma inducing details of that night. again.” i deadpanned, trying to look as intimidating as i could so he knew i was serious. his smirk deepened. oh no. “okay. i won’t tell the story of you throwing up all over me and my brand new car six times in a row without stopping and then you passing out with your hand in the pile of sick next to you. again.” he grinned, shooting me a smug look. i slid further down in the seat, face on fire. “oh my god. i am so breaking up with you.” i groaned. george laughs and my chest is on fire once again and i can’t help but smile. he reaches over and takes my hand in his and, yep, the skin on my hand is also on fire now. “idiot.” i mumble. “nimrod.” he shoots back, squeezing my hand. i squeeze back.

~  
i spend most of the thirty minute car journey in silence, but after fifteen i get sick of being alone with my thoughts and turn the radio on. generic pop song after generic pop song plays but i pay no attention. its just background noise. the drive feels like it goes on for hours. the sky gets progressively greyer, the clouds darker. i keep my eyes on the road, not shifting them until i pull into a familiar carpark. its almost completely deserted apart from a black volvo parked in the corner of the complex. clays car. i don’t have an explanation for the layer of dread that settles at the bottom of my stomach but i am all too aware of it as i extract my keys from the engine. a wave of doubt overcomes me but i don’t have time for second guessing because before i know it i’m opening the car door and stepping out. the cold wind hits me with full force and, pulling my coat tighter round myself, i can’t help but wish i was at home in bed. after shutting my car door and pushing the lock button on my key i check my phone for messages from clay. just one.

< just arrived. see u soon. >

that was ten minutes ago. i’m horrendously late. i speed walk down the street in the direction of Morley’s, the café me and clay have been hanging out at for years and sure enough there he is stood outside, leaning against the window, phone in hand, wearing a bright green hoodie with the classic Dream smile on it. that’s supposed to be the irony. you’d think he’d be worried that people would be suspicious about a tall blonde in a Dream hoodie but he says it’s too obvious. that’s the beauty of it. he looks up as i approach and his face is lit up with a genuine smile. but i can see past it. his eyes don’t quite match. i gain speed and as soon as i reach the café his arms are around me. his familiar scent is like a blanket of comfort and suddenly i have an all consuming urge to cry. i don’t though. i just swallow and pull away with a smile. “hey.” he says gently. “hey.” and just like that, i’m walking into our café with my best friend and an empty feeling in my chest. 

we sit down at our usual table and clay orders our usual drinks. “a cream soda, a diet coke and-“ i see him glance to his left before realisation hits. an expression flickers across his face before disappearing as if it had never been there to begin with. “and that’s it thanks.” he smiles at the waitress before she walks off to take someone else’s order. i briefly wonder if clay will address what had just happened but he doesn’t. we sit like this for almost an hour. just enjoying each other’s presence. clay is talking about a minecraft tournament of some sort and i cant help but smile to myself. i miss streaming. i miss the whole gaming community. but i cant go back, it won’t be the same witho- “do you miss it?” clay asks, as if reading my mind. “yeah. i do.” i smile back, my brain filled with nostalgia and a kind of yearning sadness that wasn’t unfamiliar these days. “the fans miss you.” he continues. “i know, i get bombarded with messages on the daily.” i almost laugh. it’s true. i’m constantly tagged in edits begging me and my best friend alyssa to come back to the smp. but it’s just not right. not anymore. i don’t know how clay does it. and with a smile, aswell. “my dms are overflowing.” i allow myself a small chuckle. “especially today.” fuck. i take a deep breath, wishing i could take that last sentence back. i look across at clay and he’s smiling a sad smile, his eyes look tired. has he even slept? he reaches across and takes my hand. i allow it for a second before a pang of guilt hits me and i snatch my hand back and mumble out an excuse of needing the bathroom before getting out of my seat and stumbling towards the toilet doors. once i’m inside i walk into a cubicle and slam the door before sitting down on the toilet lid. my hearts racing. get it together. stop being selfish. i feel the heat rush to my eyes. i won’t let myself cry. selfish. i sit there for a few minutes before unlocking the stall door and walking over to the sink to wash my hands. just as i’m about to dry them, i hear a sound that sends a wave of excruciating pain through my chest. i freeze, hands still dripping water. i’m holding my breath, not daring to move as i stand there, trying to make sense of what i’m hearing. 

“you leapt from crumbling bridges. watching cityscapes turn to dust...”

and suddenly everything i’ve been holding in comes flooding out in waves. the mind numbing pain, the body racking sobs. it all comes rushing over me. and its too much. i cant do this. it feels as if there is no oxygen left on the planet as i fling open the bathroom door and stumble out into the café. the music hits me full force as i blunder through the room, blinded by tears. i finally reach the front door and stagger out of it before collapsing on the pavement, haunted by echoes of the melody. “got the music in you baby, tell me why...”

~  
“got the music in you baby, tell me why”

“STOP” i shriek, trying to tackle my phone out of george’s outstretched arm.

“nuh uh this is the 3rd time you’ve played this in an hour.” he protests, going to skip the song. 

i think fast and, using all my strength, jump up to pin his arm to the bed. planting kisses all over his cheek, i grin down at him, holding my phone in his face like a trophy. he lies there, defeated, but a happy smile is spread over his face. he looks down at my lips through half closed lids framed with his long, dark lashes and he leans in. as his lips crash against mine, i close my eyes and melt against him. if i could pause time and just kiss him for infinity i would. the way he cupped my jaw with his hand and ran his thumb over my cheek. the way he would stop kissing me for a second just to smile at me or pull me closer. i wasn’t sure about a lot of things but i was sure of one thing. he was my everything. he was my home. he pulled away from the kiss and i pouted and looked into his eyes with a forlorn expression.

“your lips, my lips, apocalypse” he breathes and i just want to kiss him forever and hold him and drown in him and his words and his eyes and his smile. i reach out a hand, stroking his face and then bury my face in his neck. “see. you cant hate the song that much if you know the words.” i giggle. “if you played the korean national anthem on loop constantly i’d probably know that word for word too.” he countered, drawing shapes on my arm with his thumb. i sit up and look down at him. “that’s such a fucking weird example to use” i shriek, pretending to hit him over the head with a pillow. it’s his turn to tackle me now and then we’re in a heap. a laughing, shrieking, blissful heap. we settle back down, his arms around my waist. my face snuggled into his neck, occasionally placing kisses along his jaw, making him squirm. “hey.” he whispers after a while. i look up at him and he holds my gaze. “this should be our song.” he continues. and my heart swells as i pull him closer and he holds me tighter and i feel as if i could float away on a cloud. 

~  
my heartbeat’s pace isn’t returning to normal as i sit on the pavement trying to regain composure. i can hardly breathe, every breath i take deteriorating into a painful cough. my head is spinning, my vision blurred. nothings making sense and everything’s too loud. i hear the café door slam shut behind me but i don’t bother looking up. i feel an arm around my shoulder and turn to find clay sat beside me on the pavement. “hey hey hey.” he murmurs, pulling me into his chest and stroking my hair. my sobs aren’t subsiding, if anything they’re growing louder. each one making my body shake more than the one before. “what’s happening?” i wail into his hoodie. my chest feels tight and my minds still racing.  
“my guess would be you’re having a panic attack.” clay mumbles into my hair, tracing circles into my back with his hand. “do you want to talk about it?” he ventures, still holding me tightly. i shake my head against his chest and he squeezes me to let me know he understands. “it’s not fucking fair.” i sob into clays chest. “it hurts so bad. i want it to stop.” i’m still scream crying but my breathing has returned to normal and my sobs are slowing to loud sniffles. “i know. but it will get better. we just have to get through today.” clay responds and i look up to find his face damp with tears. he looks down at me with a small smile before pressing a kiss on my forehead and jumping to a his feet, pulling me up with him. “you wanna go now?” he asks, putting his arm around my shoulder as we begin to walk. i nod. and he pulls his keys out of his hoodie pocket. “i’ll drive.” and we begin walking down the street towards the car, passing a store with a tv in the window. it’s playing some marvel movie.

~  
“okay but this is, like, the worst one.” i snort, picking up a piece of my popcorn and throwing it at the screen.  
“hey! no avengers slander tolerated here.” george declares, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me in to face him. i sigh and pull a face at him. “dude civil war is the worst one. fact.” i state, looking him dead in the eyes. he just rolls his eyes and reaches out for some of my popcorn. “hey!” i screech, snatching my bowl away and rolling away from george. “just because you’ve eaten all yours doesn’t mean you can make a start on mine.” i glare at him pointedly and he rolls his eyes. again. “the weed hasn’t even kicked in yet i don’t know how you’ve eaten all of yours anyway.” i sigh rolling back over so our sides are touching. i cant be apart from him for long before it starts to make my heart ache. “you’re so annoying.” george mumbles under his breath and i sit up on my elbows and raise an eyebrow. “say that to my face mister. bet you won’t.” he raised an eyebrow back, sitting up slightly so he’s at eye level with me. “you. are. so. annoying.” he challenges, a smirk breaking out on his face. i gasp dramatically, trying to look as ferocious as possible. “okay you have 5 seconds to take that back before it’s over for you.” i warn. he just stares back at me, smirking that annoyingly beautiful smirk. when 5 seconds passes without george even moving his gaze i sigh and sit up. i take my time getting off the bed, waiting for george to stop me. he doesn’t so i set a foot on the ground and then he pounces. before i know it, he’s tickling the living daylights out of me and i’m screaming for mercy. “george! stop! please?” i’m screeching. he ignores my pleas and continues to tickle me, sitting on my legs so i can’t escape. i struggle to get a breath out between my squeals and laughs and the weed is slowly starting to fog up my brain. he must be feeling it too because he stops and scoops me up in his arms, pulling me back to the other side of the bed. we lie there for a while, me tucked into his side, head on his chest. him with his arm around my shoulders, his other hand playing with my fingers. the movie has long since been abandoned and the sound of frank ocean fills the room. we are both stoned out of our minds as we lie there, heartbeats in sync. i look up at my boyfriend and my heart skips a beat. he’s so beautiful. everything about him just makes me want to believe in god just to have someone to thank. he’s so perfect, i never get tired of looking at him. his lips slightly red from biting them and his eyes slightly red from the weed. and as he turns his head to look back at me i feel a blush creep up my face. “hi” i giggle. “hi” he breathes back. his face just inches from mine, so close i can feel his eyelashes on my cheek and his breath tickling my face. he looks at me and i know he’s actually seeing me. his eyes hold mine and i feel myself melting into them. “you’re so beautiful” he breathes, reaching out a hand to trace my features gently. he stops when he reaches my jaw instead cupping it with his fingers and lifting my face up to his. as soon as our lips connect my body reacts immediately. my skin feels as if it’s on fire as george continues to cup my jaw so tenderly. our lips fit together like the most perfect jigsaw in the world and he tastes like weed and popcorn and happiness. i pull away and see a faint blush on the apples of his cheeks and cant help but giggle. i feel so content here with the man i love. love. i really do love him. i’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. and i want nothing more than for him to know one thousand times over. i want to tattoo ‘i love george’ on my forehead so everyone else can see it. i want to write it in the sky with planes. but instead i settle for the easier yet somehow scariest option. i sit up on my elbow and run my fingers along the side of george’s face. he smiles up at me, that dumb beautiful smile i fell in love with all that time ago at that stupid party. i take a deep breath, my brain numb with the influence of the joint we’d smoked twenty minutes ago. “hey, george?” he hums a response, his hand tracing shapes on my arm in the way he knows i like. “i love you.” i breathe and he stops tracing to lift his gaze to mine. and before i know it, his arms are around my waist and he’s kissing me and holding me close and i’m tasting weed and popcorn and happiness all over again. he pulls away. “i love you too. so fucking much.” and i’m smiling like a crazy person and so is he and as i lay with my head on his chest for the rest of the night, i know i’ll never be more content than i am in that moment. and i think i might go insane with happiness.

~  
i sit in the car with clay in silence. it’s not an uncomfortable silence, though. we just have nothing to say. nothing that we can say without bringing up the one thing we’d been avoiding all day anyway. every now and then, clay glances over at me. 

“i’m ok you know.” i mumble, flicking in the radio and looking over at the blonde man. he looks over at me again, this time there’s a smile on his face. 

“i know. i’m just worried. you’re not saying much and normally it takes all that i have in me to shut you up.” 

i roll my eyes at the dig but smile back anyway. the radio fills the car with music i’ve never heard before but it’s not unwelcome. there’s a feeling of guilt beginning to settle in my stomach and i think i know why.

“hey, i’m sorry.” i begin, turning down the radio so clay can hear me better. he cuts me off.  
“no. you have nothing to be sorry for. i understand, of course i do. today was bound to be rough i wasn’t expecting you to be bounding around like a golden retriever puppy.” he grins. i smile back. i was glad i wasn’t in this alone. it made it easier. “i love you. you know that right?” i counter. clay’s grin stretches even wider. “i love you back dipshit.” and the guilt in my stomach disperses. i roll down my window and stick my hand out, letting the cool florida air chill my skin.  
“hey people are gonna think you’re signing for help because i’m kidnapping you, idiot.” clay laughs, beginning to roll the window up. 

~

i rub my eyes and sigh to myself. its three in the morning what is my life. but my chest is beginning to fill with excited butterflies. i missed these late night adventures. they were few and far between these days. i pull myself out of bed and hunt around for a hoodie, finding one i stole from george a few months back and pulling it on. it still smelt like him, probably because i refused to wash it. i grabbed my bag off the back of the door and shoved my feet into my vans before slipping out of the room and creeping across the hallway as stealthily as i could. when i got downstairs, i pulled my keys out of my pocket as quietly as possible and unlocked the front door. the sky was still pitch black but was scattered with stars. i felt a chill run down my spine. i loved being out at night. i loved the chilly florida air and the way the moon cast shadows on anything and everything. i shut the door behind me and looked up to see george’s car parked in the drive. a grin took over my face, nothing could ever beat this thrill. nothing. i rushed over to the car and opened the passenger door. climbing in and pulling the door shut behind me, i turned to greet the love of my life. he was still as beautiful as ever, one hand on the wheel, the other combing his hair off his face. he was wearing a white north face t-shirt and no coat. idiot.

“hey where’s your jacket?” i challenge him, already cold myself despite wearing a hoodie. he just smiles.

“not even a hello? dipshit.” he rolls his eyes before pulling out of the drive calmly.

“seriously george. you’re gonna get sick.” i push on. i hate nagging him but i am genuinely worried. he pulls into the side of my street and looks at me. 

“i’ve got a hoodie in the back if i need one, okay? i’m fine i promise. please don’t worry.” i sigh and look away but he hooks a hand under my chin and lifts my face to look at him. he leans down and kisses me until the furrow in my brow is gone and the warmth of his lips distracts me from the nagging in my chest. i smile into the kiss before pulling away. “have you at least taken your med-“ he pulls me back in, kissing my lips, my face, my jaw. pulling away, he looks me in the eyes. “stop worrying. please. i’m fine.” and i choose to believe him. i lean back in my seat, smiling to myself. “aux?” i smirk. he rolls his eyes for the hundredth time. “fine. but no high school musical i swear to god.” i giggle. “you know you love it.” i connect my phone and select a playlist i know he will like and arctic monkeys fills the car. i lean back and sigh with contentment. “so, where we off to?” i ask, looking across to where george is sat head bopping to i wanna be yours. entirely inappropriate, it’s not even a head bopping song. “that’s for me to know and you to find out m’lady.” i groan. he knows i hate surprises. “gimme a clue pleaseee” i whine. he just shakes his head and looks straight ahead at the road. the song changes and i cover my mouth with my hand trying to contain my laugh as high school musical starts playing. i hear george groan beside me. i look across and he’s glaring at me. i cant hold the laughter in anymore and i start shrieking like a lunatic. he does not look impressed. “who the fuck puts high school musical in a playlist with arctic monkeys?” i’m spluttering and holding my sides, genuinely concerned i might piss myself when we reach our destination. the local park. we pile out of the car and before i can even say a word, george is grabbing my hand and pulling me over to the swings. we swing for a while, him challenging me to a ‘who can swing higher contest.’ i definitely let him win but i don’t tell him that. we spend the night swinging, running, laughing and squealing before we collapse onto the grass next to each other. our bodies are pressed together and i can feel george’s breath on my face. and we just lie there. enjoying each other’s presence. praying there’s an apocalypse of some kind so we never have to return to normality. eventually, he pulls me into a kiss. he kisses me with everything he normally does. he’s gentle, tastes like the bubblegum flavoured gum he insists on chewing. but there’s an urgency there that there isn’t normally. i kiss him back, hungrily. hoping i can somehow show him how much he completes me. how much i want him. we kiss for ages without stopping for breath and i pray with everything that i have that by some trick of fate time will stop or at least slow down so i can just stay here forever. but it doesn’t. maybe the universe just fucking hates me. george eventually pulls away. “i love you.” he murmurs, tracing my lips with a cold finger. “i love you too.” i reply. and i mean it. with every ounce of my being. with all that i am. i mean it. george drives me back to my house, high school musical still blasting from the car stereo. and before i step out of the car i pull him into i hug. he holds me tightly, our bodies so close together i wouldn’t have been surprised if they merged. i kiss him on the mouth one last time before stepping out with a smile. he smiles back and my heart doesn’t hesitate to flip over once again. and as he drives away into the night, i smile and smile and smile and smile. 

~  
“you want to stop for a drink?” clay asks. we’ve been driving for half an hour by now and the dull roar of the engine has made me sort of sleepy. i shake my head in response. “you can if you want. i’m not thirsty.” it’s not that i wasn’t thirsty but that feeling of all consuming dread had come back, accompanied by a strong feeling of nausea and i was worried that if i drink anything i’d be sick. “all good.” clay nodded. “hey we’re nearly there.” the sick feeling grows stronger and i swallow thickly, shuttling my eyes and thinking back to the last time i felt this sick.

~  
i’ve always hated hospitals. the smell, the sounds, the weird lighting. but i couldn’t concentrate on any of that as i stumbled through the hospital corridors, heart thumping in my chest. the thumping only subsided slightly when i saw a familiar figure standing by a doorway, his blonde hair messy, his eyes tired.  
“clay!” the man looked up as i approached and the sad expression on his face deepened. “hi.” he walked forward and pulled me into an enveloping hug. i shoved my tear streaked face into his chest and held him for a while. i could feel his heartbeat against my ear. it was as loud and fast as mine.  
“how is he?” i whispered, not daring to speak at a louder volume in case my voice betrayed me and i broke down sobbing. i pulled away from clay and looked up at his face. he was pale, the bags beneath his eyes harsh in contrast. i knew the answer before he opened his mouth and my heart plummeted. “not too good. the nurses are doing checkups right now. he just-“ the crack in his voice was unmistakeable. “i’m sorry. he just deteriorated in the night so we had to call an ambulance.” my heart rate quickened as i tried to swallow. my throat was too dry. “we? is nick here?” i asked.  
“yeah he’s here he’s just talking to the nurses.” clay nodded, looking like he was trying not to cry.  
“can i see george?” i whispered, almost scared to hear the answer. clay nodded, trying, and failing, to smile. “yeah. yeah, of course. just in there.” he pointed in the direction of the door behind him and i attempted to swallow again. my heart was in my mouth as i walked through the door, every part of me shaking. george was lying on the hospital bed, tubes covering every inch of his body and face. but somehow, by some miracle that only george could ever achieve, he still looked gasp inducingly beautiful. his eyes were still his eyes and his smile was still his smile. he smiled at me now as i walked gingerly over to the bed. “hey.” he muttered, reaching out a hand. i knelt by the bedside and held it. it was ice cold. the feeling in my chest was an unfamiliar one. just pain and nothing else. i tried to muster up a smile but failed, instead feeling hot tears stream down my face. “hey, hey.” george murmured, squeezing my hand. “it’s okay”. i knew it wasn’t. i think it was at that point i understood why he kissed me with such urgency in the park that night. and god i’ve never felt anything as painful as what i was feeling at that moment. i wanted to just rip the tubes off his beautiful face and hold him in my arms and take him home and just sit and play minecraft with him like we’d done hundreds of nights before. i just wanted to love him and love him and never stop loving him. but i couldn’t. here he was, trapped in a cage of tubes and wires and medication and there was nothing i could do about it but watch. he didn’t deserve this. he’s the most beautiful perfect being on earth he didn’t deserve this pain. i wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. i wanted to throw the loud angry beeping monitor on the floor and kick it until it stopped that fucking beeping, reminding me that yes, george was alive, but for how much longer? he smiled at me weakly and i tried to smile back, through the tears. i was being selfish. how could i be sitting here crying about the pain i was in when george was in the most pain of all? i held his hand, willing with every inch of my body that i could somehow send what i was feeling, how much i loved him, through a wave and into him. i wiped my sleeve across my face and looked back at him. “are- are you in pain?” i asked, my voice cracking halfway through the sentence. george smiled at me, that captivating smile of his that had made my breath catch in my throat so many times before. “i’m on so much medication. i don’t feel any pain at all, baby. i promise.” but somehow i didn’t believe him. it was breaking me seeing him like this. he really was the best person i’d ever known and here he was, reduced to a hospital gown and tubes. i pressed my face against his hand, wiping my tears with his skin. moving my lips to touch the back of his hand and kissing it. “it’s not fucking fair.” i mumbled, my voice full of the most pain it ever had. “i know, baby.” george responded, his turn for his voice to crack. i looked up to see a single tear streaming down his face. “i’m sorry.” i breathed, meaning it with every fibre of my being. he leant forward and kissed the top of my head. “you have nothing to be sorry for, idiot.” he whispered and for some reason those words broke me. “i love you.” i whispered back. and i’ve never in my life meant those words as much as i meant them right then. i meant it so much it was destroying me piece by piece. i was destined to be in eternal pain because i loved him so much. “i love you so much more. forever.” he murmured. and, pressing my face into his hand and his head resting on mine, we fell asleep. 

~  
“hey, we’re here.” clay spoke, snapping me out of my thoughts and back into reality. after unbuckling my seatbelt, i took a deep breath and opened the car door before stepping out into the world. after stepping out himself and locking the car behind himself, clay joined me standing on the gravel. i looked up at clay, the one person i trusted most in the world now and admitted to him the one thing i hadn’t even admitted to myself. “i’m scared, clay.” i whispered. he took my hand in his and squeezed gently. “me too.” he responded. we looked at each other one last time before beginning to walk through the graveyard.

we’d been standing in front of george’s grave for twenty minutes when clay gave my arm a squeeze and told me he’d be in the car. i smiled at him, a shaky but grateful smile. “i love you.” he smiled back. i nodded, not trusting myself to speak right then. watching him disappear behind a row of trees, i turned back to the grave. it was a shame, really, how boring it was. it didn’t reflect george as a person at all. he’s probably hate it and moan about the fact they hadn’t embossed it with ‘pogchamp’ or something equally dumb. i smiled to myself at the thought. kneeling down, i took a deep breath and swallowed thickly. “hi georgie,” i started. fuck. i couldn’t do this. i sat down on the grass fully, pulling my knees up to my chest. i took a deep breath and tried again. “it’s been a year. exactly a year today. and today’s been really hard.” i let a tear fall down my face before brushing it away firmly. “i miss you so fucking much. there’s no way i can really put into words just how much. i miss you every day. i keep waiting for someone to tell me this is all just a cruel joke because there’s no way you’re really gone, right? i’ve spent so much time lately thinking about how unfair it is. and it is. is so fucking unfair that they took you away.” pain engulfed my chest as i took another deep breath, trying to push through. “nothing will ever be able to fix how empty i feel without you. when you entered my life, i really did stop being afraid of everything. i thought everything was guaranteed. but i was so wrong. and now i’m so scared of everything. i don’t know what to do without you, george. i don’t know who i am. i need to just hold you one more time, please. i’d do anything i swear to fuck i would do anything.” i cant hold the sobs back anymore. “you were the best thing that ever happened to me and you still are. i won’t ever forget you, fuck knows i cant. you are part of me. fuck that, you are all of me. you’re everything i was, everything i am. you’re all of my past, my future. my yesterday, my tomorrow. and i’ll never be able to touch you again. i’ll never be able to hold you and feel your hand on my face. i’ll never hear your laugh or see that beautiful smile. god, i love that smile. you’re an angel, george. and i hope you know how happy you made me.” i shift slightly, lifting my legs to cross them under me. “why did you leave me george?” the body racking sobs were hurting my throat but i couldn’t stop. “i needed you. i still need you. i need you to just hold me and tell me you love me. because i love you. i love you with all that i am and all i’ve ever been. i love you in ways i didn’t even know were possible until i met you. i love you like the songs on the radio and the books that stupid romance authors write because they have no other way to show it. i love you with every single bit of me. and they took you away. what kind of cruel fucking twist of fate was that, george?.” i laid my head next to his grave and pulled out my phone. “i’ll never forget, george.” i sobbed, flicking through my playlist until i found the correct song and selecting it, letting the soft notes fill the eerily silent air. my heart was hurting in ways it hadn’t in a while and my face was stained with tears. but a part of me wanted to smile. “got the music in you baby, tell me why. you've been locked in there forever. and you just can't say goodbye.” and i knew that if he’d been here he would be singing along. and as the song slowed to a finish, i picked up my phone and whispered a goodbye to the love of my life before standing up and walking back to the car.

i would never forget him. it would be so hard to forget someone who gave me so much to remember. and i did love him. and a part of me knew that i would continue to love him until the day i died. i had lived to love george and nothing else would come close to mattering as much.

loving him was my apocalypse.


End file.
